The Silver Lining

So we found out Thursday that hubby will be laid off from AT&T come January. We had kindof been worried about that, but didn't think it would happen until Aug '09 when their contract was up. We were wrong. My reaction was to simply not worry about it. I was brave and strong on the phone with him. Didn't show my fear at all. When I hung the phone up, I burst into tears. Not really because I was "worried", but just the thought of what if's. What if we have to sell our house? What if we have to sell our vehicles? And besides that, he was so disappointed. This is the 1st job that he didn't dread going to everyday. He loves this job. I was soooo proud of him when he got it, and I'm sure he was proud of himself as well. It was his "dream" job. We thought that after all the job hopping he had finally got in w/ a good company that he would be able to retire from. And now he's lost it. I wasn't really worried about it because there was nothing we could do to change it and I knew that God would take care of us. He will make sure we have the things we need like food, shelter, clothing, etc. I have faith that he will send something even better. I knew that things would be very tight for awhile until he finds something else, but I was confident we would be ok. I came home that night and hubby was just moping. He was driving me crazy. For one because I thought he should be glued to the computer trying to find a job, but instead he was sitting on the couch watching tv as usual. For two because he had zero paitence w/ bama and was getting onto him about the smallest things. Things that would normally not even phase him. I tried to be understanding and told myself not to say a word to him about it. He's probably depressed and feeling like a failure (that's just how he is) and wondering how he was going to provide for his family. So once I got bama in bed, I got on the computer and started searching myself. I was pretty disappointed to see that nearly everything available would be a HUGE paycut. I got a bit discouraged. I then added up all of our bills and found that on just my salary and the freaking $255/week he would draw from unemployment would still give us $100 extra dollars a month. That's w/ disconnecting our cable. Everything else is a must have because of me working from home 2 days a week, I have to have phone and internet. I have no idea how we'll be able to make it on that because we live paycheck to paycheck now. Of course we spend WAY more than we need to though.

So last night hubby was again moping like crazy and getting on my last nerve. I told him to go out and hang w/ his friends hoping it would cheer him up. Didn't seem to do much good last night, but today after hunting all morning and then watching the ballgame w/ friends, he came home in an excellent mood. Tonight I decided that since I was so stressed out and the computer was being SUPER slow that I would go take a bubble bath. I poured in some bubble bath and some fragrance salt things and ran a tub full of extra hot water. I lit some candles and turned off the lights and stepped in. OMG...i totally forgot how good this felt. I haven't took a bubble bath in FOREVER....like years! I lay there for a freaking hour!!! When I got out of the tub it was like I had stepped into a whole new world! For the 1st time since Thursday at lunch when I got the call I had actually forgot that in less than 1 month we would have no money. I felt sooooo amazing!

Shortly after that I realized something. I had been mourning our current life which won't be the same in a month. I was dreading not being able to eat out 3 times a week. I was dreading not being able to go shopping. I was dreading not being able to build our new house we were gonna start building in '09. I was dreading being broke. But tonight I realized that this could actually be a good thing. Instead of going out every other weekend when mama has bama and shopping or eating or hanging w/ friends, we will more than likely be sitting right here at the house. We won't need to spend the gas money to drive to Florence and we won't have any money to do anything with once we get there anyway. Do you have any idea when the last time that me and hubby sat here at this house alone??? I do...it was July 10, 2006...the night before I was admitted into the hospital to have bama. Now we have been here alone for like an hour a few times w/out bama. Just long enough to get ready to go somewhere, but we haven't spend a night at home w/out bama since he's been born. We always go out. How freaking nice is that going to be!!!! We could have a candlelit dinner and watch a movie. Or throw a blanket down in the floor and light the fireplace that hasn't been lit in years and um...nevermind. Point is that would be so nice! To just be here alone like we use to be. This could be a chance for us to really "connect" again...which is something I feel like we've been missing for a while. We are in such a "routine" or something. We work, come home, play w/ bama, eat supper, get bama a shower, get bama in bed, then hubby goes to bed and I stay up and work or clean or something. We don't even go to bed together anymore. Same thing everyday. It's almost like we are roomates sometimes. I mean, our marriage is great and we have a healthy sex life and all, but as far as really "connecting"...it doesn't happen anymore. It's like we are too wrapped up in the day to day routine to really take time to connect w/ each other. This will only make our marriage that much stronger.

Besides that, I should just be happy that we will have enough money just to make it! It could be a lot worse. We could be short $500 a month instead of over $100. We needed to cut back our spending anyway since we were "trying" to save for our house. And that's another good thing. What if we had just built our house and then he got laid off. We would be in BIG trouble then. Lots of people have it way worse off than we are gonna have it. I still feel like the most blessed person ever with my loving husband and beautiful son and wonderful family and friends. That's what's important! I'm reminded of this song I know. I don't know the name of it or who sings it or anything, but I remember it from when i was little. Maybe someone sang it in church or maybe I heard it on the radio, but it was always one of my favorite gospel songs. It goes like this:

"God will make this trial a blessing though it sends me to my knees. Though my tears flow like a river yet in him there's sweet relief. There's no need to get discouraged, there's no need to talk defeat. God will make this trial a blessing. Just be paitent you will see."

Pretty much sums it up. We have hard times ahead, but God will provide for us everything we need until hubby finds another job. And I have no doubts that he will find something bigger and better.